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" "We're choosing to love him," her mother explained, "because love is a choice." There's no better wisdom Susan's mother could have imparted to her before marriage.

"Mom," she said hesitantly, "I really appreciate your feelings, but, in all honesty, how can you say you love someone you've never met?

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I’ve been to an Al-Anon meeting but it’s not enough.

Often, finance, children and other circumstances prevent any simple solutions.

The first is care, demonstrating active concern for the recipient's life and growth.

The second is responsibility, responding to his or her expressed and unexpressed needs (particularly, in an adult relationship, emotional needs).

There is another general rule in making a wrenching decision. That is, whichever course is more reversible might be considered first. Loneliness and anxiety, among other troubles, are almost universally difficult for partners of alcoholics. This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008 at pm and is filed under Addiction, Couples-Marriage, Transition.

In your case, it is much easier to recover from the mistake of waiting a bit more, than to recover after discovering that divorce was a mistake. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.Question: I cannot bear my wife’s alcoholism any longer. I’m continually moved by the vivid descriptions of the carnage that addiction causes, and the impossible “you choose, you lose” dilemmas faced by exhausted, isolated partners. Most of my friends tell me to leave her, and my family tells me to stick it out. Note: I first wrote this answer as a way to talk about methods to approach tough dilemmas, and since that time it has grown into the forum you see now.While most people believe love leads to giving, the truth (as Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler writes in his famous discourse on loving kindness) is exactly the opposite: Giving leads to love. When an enthusiastic handyman happily announces to his non- mechanically inclined wife, "Honey, wait till you see what I got you for your birthday ― a triple-decker toolbox! Neither is a father's forcing violin lessons on his son because he himself always dreamed of being a virtuoso.True giving, as Erich Fromm points out, is other-oriented, and requires four elements. Obviously, there's a huge distance from here to the far more profound, personal love developed over the years, especially in marriage. Susan learned about this foundation of love after becoming engaged to David.

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